Okay, so seven years ago I started writing an NFL picks column for what I am sure is now-defunct school website. It was smart. It was funny. It was fantastic. It was a complete rip off from Bill Simmons and what he does with ESPN. So sue me. Actually, please don’t.
Anyways, in seven years I’d like to think I’ve grown past the snide comments, immaturely poking fun at other people, and mass hysterics of my hometown team losing. But at 27 all those things still sound like a miraculously fun way to spend a Friday night, and I really haven’t enjoyed much by way of my hometown team winning since I was 20, so where is there really to turn?
I could try vodka but I’m not the biggest of fans. I could try beer but if I needed to drown my sorrows in something it better not taste a whole lot like feet. I could try bourbon but then I’d only get angry, unleash my inner Scot, and pick a fight with something. Where do I turn? That’s right, The West Wing.
Yes a television show that ran for eight years and depicted a White House that stood for all the things that I hate. So why watch? Because of Aaron Sorkin.
You see, only Sorkin can whip up a banter-istic lather complete with prose and poetry and wit to make the Gilmore Girls cry for mommy. This is the show to end all shows as far as I’m concerned. The cure for all that ills. The thing that could stop impending doom. The Milla Jovovich of television shows. (What, no one gets mildly entertaining - intended to be replayed over and over by TNT* – Sci-Fi Bruce Willis movie references? What has this world come to?)
*Speaking of being overplayed by TNT, it’s been many a year since I’ve had a special rant about the fantastic joy that overcomes me when I flip through to see Top Gun being shown on cable. It’s as if TG, and Tom The Smile, know when I’m feeling blue and swoop in to pick me up. He can do no wrong my Tommy McNugget. But what I don’t understand is how these movies – A Few Good Men, TG, Men in Black, etc. – are always on the same scene every time I happen by them. How does this happen? There must be an answer.
So after watching a couple episodes from Season 2 of TWW today, the juices started flowing. Could it be…a reemergence of my long lost snark?
You’re flingin-flangin right it is!
On to the picks…
Green Bay over CLEVELAND
Aaron Rodgers gets hit more than a drunken Irishman at an Italian bar. (What? I was going to say more than Rhianna. Aren’t you glad I didn’t?) But that doesn’t matter because the Browns have been irrelevant for awhile now to the point that the city is only recognized as “hey, isn’t that the city Drew Carey is from?” Ouch.
HOUSTON over San Francisco
The ultimate in Jekyll and Hyde football teams, the Houston one-week-we-suck-the-next-week-we’re-good Texans are the hardest team to figure out in the NFL. But I like the idea of them at home, and, well, that’s really all I got. I don’t feel good about that. Stop looking at me. What?
KANSAS CITY over San Diego
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Sorry I was just waiting for you to stop laughing or rolling your eyes. I’ll wait. No seriously go ahead. You done? Okay listen, the Chiefs as a franchise had just two wins in their last 30 games, lost nine games in a row, have the worst rated defense in the NFL in terms of yardage, and have not had a rushing touchdown since I was clean shaven. All of those facts however do not add up to being as embarrassing and horrendous a thought as this one: Norv Turner, Head Coach.
INDIANAPOLIS over St. Louis
Peyton. Manning. Is. Really. Really. Good. Next.
NEW ENGLAND over Tampa Bay
Tampa. Bay. Is. Really. Really. Bad.
(This game is being played in London and, I gotta say, that’s the most ridiculous thing I think I’ve ever heard. What’s next? Games in Mexico City? Major League Baseball in Japan? NBA in China? These things should never happen. Just doesn’t make any sense.)
Minnesota over PITTSBURGH
I don’t know why I’m doing this. I really don’t. Nothing about this game seems right to me. It’s in Pittsburgh. It’s a Dick LeBeau defense against a mistake prone quarterback. It’s a terrible kicking environment. But, and that’s a big but (don’t you hate it when announcers say that), if it comes down to which quarterback makes the most plays, I’m taking Favre. I know, I know. My inner 12-year-old still loves him like the last two years haven’t happened, and I need to ignore that feeling with Favre in his current state. But something about Ben Roethlisberger just scares me. And I’m a Chiefs fan so watching Jared Allen get 14 sacks a game makes me all giddy like a school girl.
CAROLINA over Buffalo
You know when you’re watching two bad teams, no matter the sport, play against each other and there’s constant mistakes, guys out of position, miscommunication, tons of penalties, but the game is close until the very end and the announcers say the obligatory “we’re watching one heckuva (insert sport) game today!” line? That’s what it’s like watching Big 10 football, National League baseball, Soccer, and Carolina versus Buffalo. Mark it down. It will be said.
NY Jets over OAKLAND
I really just can’t do it. I honestly think the Raiders have a chance in this game because Mark Sanchez has been sooo* bad the last three weeks and Oakland has a really good defense. But I can’t. Why? JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU. He’s bad. Really bad. And I don’t want to hear “he really showed signs last week…” Doesn’t matter. Dude stinks something awful. I cannot pick them until a new quarterback is taking snaps for the Silver and Black.
Ever notice how people have no idea how to stress sounds in words when they’re spelling them? Like people will write, “I hateeeeeeeeeee mushrooms” or “there is no wayyyyyyyyyyy you’re getting my number. How annoying is this? That is not all how those sounds should be spelled. When stresses how much you hate something its “haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate.” The “a” sound is the part of the word being stressed not the “e.” No one says “I hat-eeeeeeeeeeeeeee mushrooms.” My girlfriend does this…yeah, I’ll shut up.
CINCINATTI over Chicago
They just lost last week at home to the Texans so there’s no earthly reason I should pick them except its Jay Cutler, on the road. Capable of throwing for 400 yards and three touchdowns? Sure. But also capable of laying on gigantic stink-bomb.
ATLANTA over Dallas
See reason for picking the Chiefs above and insert “Phillips, Wade.”
NEW ORLEANS over Miami
Another trap game that I’m almost positive I’ll get wrong, but I’m riding this horse until it proves to me I shouldn’t any more. Drew Brees throws left. Drew Brees throws right. Drew Brees throws deep. Drew Brees throws short. You seeing a pattern?
NY GIANTS over Arizona
I read somewhere yesterday that some experts were worried that Eli may not be able to handle the wind and the cold in the Meadowlands, so they were picking Arizona. WHAT? Did something happen to Kurt Warner? You know, the guy that wears gloves when it’s 80 DEGREES AND SUNNY? And we’re supposed to be worried about Eli? Yeah, okay, so when the third quarter rolls around and KurtandBrenda, yes he and his wife are one now, have fumbled at least twice, I’ll be the one over here saying I told you so.
PHILADELPHIA over Washington
Any time your head coach contemplates quitting and your owner hires a guy that was calling out BINGO numbers at a retirement home to take some of his responsibilities, I’m thinking that’s not so fantastic of a sign.
Year Record: 67-23
Til' Next Time...
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